Life Lesson from Darren Hayes

Am I Where I want to be?

Good question. Am I? 

For the most part, YES. But getting to this point in my life wasn't easy. 

     The first time I heard this song by Darren Hayes was in the early 2000s. I was driving down the A52 with a friend when it came on the radio. At first I just enjoyed the song because it sounded good, but then I heard the chorus - Are you where you wanted to be? 

     It was all I could do not to burst into tears right in front of my friend. My life was so unrecognizable from the dreams I once had for myself. I lived in a constant state of fear and anxiety, faking my way through life in the vain attempt of appearing like a normal family. And I had become good at it. Too good.

     It was in that moment, while listening to this song, that I realized - I was no where near where I wanted to be, and I was devastated. 

     Roll forward a few years - I was sitting in a truck with my kids in the back seat, driving through La Quinta, California. The kids were being typical kids, hitting each other, making noise and complaining that the other kid was touching or looking at them:) 

     It was during one of the kids more rowdier moments that this song came on the radio again.

Are you where you wanted to be?

     This time I was able to smile. There were still tears, but happy, full of relief tears. I'd come through a terrible marriage, and went through an ever nastier divorce. I had gained custody of my children in exchange for rejecting child support, alimony and everything I owned. I had been ostracized, belittled, and had false accusations held against me. And worse, the accusations were believed by people who once considered me their friend but no longer spoke to me. It was one of the darkest, most heartbreaking times in my life. 

     But now as I listened to the song, I actually was where I wanted to be, or pretty dang close. The relief I felt allowed my shoulders to relax and my lungs to inhale deeper breaths. The sun was shining brightly in the sky, and I knew I was going to be okay. 

     I liked myself, for the first time in forever.  I was okay.  My kids were happy. Life was rebuildable, and God knew my heart even if others misjudged it. Life isn't perfect, but I'm right where I should be.

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of good times
Would have beens
Its all your fault
And whereve you been
And how time goes
And though I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love youve erased in my life

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did I make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should have turned right?
Are you whereyou wanted to be?
Did you sell off all your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how i adored you
But now im ignored by you
Nowhere a tint of romance
And now its vaguely familiar
i think i remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesnt seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did i make a sharp left
When you should have turned right?
Are you whereyou wanted to be?
Did you sell off all your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And i let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and i just grew apart
We grew apart

While i decided
To make everyone else happy
i just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Am I where I wanted to be?
Did i get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When i should have turned right?
Am I where i wanted to be?
Can i sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold

I'd settle for somebody to hold now

You know that ive been up and ive been down
ive been picked up and spun around
id do it all again
if i could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again